Thursday, September 15, 2011

Phases of Parenting - From a Non-Medical Point of View

I've decided to share my take on the phases of parenting from a non-medical point of view, you know, because I don't have a Ph.D at the end of my name. Just thought I'd share for any of my friends/family/readers who just had a baby, are pregnant, or thinking about trying. Or for any of you who can relate to any of these, you at least know you're not alone! Obviously these are just from my own experience and are infused with a little humor, but are all 100% true in my case. Enjoy!

Phase 1: Birth - Bliss Phase
Feelings: You're baby(ies) were just born and nothing else in the world matters. They are wonderful and such a little miracle.
Relationship with Spouse: Pure adoration. You can't believe the two of you could make such beautiful and perfect little creatures.
Finance: Woohoo, free diapers and formula from the hospital. These will last us a while right? Life is great!
Big Question: "What the heck is the football hold?"
Looking Forward to: Going home and enjoying the comfort of my own bed WITHOUT a nurse checking my vitals every hour!

Phase 2: 2 weeks - 4 months - Delirious Phase
Feelings: Reality and Fiction are interchangeable. Sleep is no longer in your vocabulary, although your children love to taunt you throughout the day by sleeping away the majority of it. And OMG, did I fall asleep feeding the baby.. Nope that's just the dog laying in my arms (True Story). What do you mean "So-and-so's" baby sleeps through the night? I never liked them anyways.
Relationship with Spouse: GET UP! GET UP! GET UUUUUUUP! It's your turn to feed the baby(ies)!
Finance: What do you mean that outfit doesn't fit anymore? I just bought it LAST WEEK!
Big Questions: "How exactly do you get the onsie off when there is poop ALL the way to her neck?" and "How do I sleep when the baby sleeps while simultaneously doing the laundry, washing bottles, and keeping the house clean?"
Looking Forward to: Sleep... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Phase 3: 5 months - mobility: - Super Mom Phase
Feelings: I can conquer all. My kids sleep between x hours and eat at x times throughout the day. We go shopping at this time, read at this time, and our bedtime routine consists of bath, book, song, bed. DO NOT BREAK MY SCHEDULE!
Relationship with Spouse: Why are you letting them nap at 5:00??? SERIOUSLY?
Finance: No no sweetie, we swallow the mushed up carrots because they cost $0.97 cents/jar and you each need 3 per day. Did you honestly just poop in your diaper after I just changed you? Do you know diapers are $44 per box? I'm deducting this from your future allowance.
Big Question: "What time can we run to the store when it won't interfere with a nap or feeding?"
Looking Forward to: Crawling/Walking! Won't it be so cute when they're mobile? And there'll be SO much more to do with them!

Phase 4: Crawling to Walking - Bubble Phase
Feelings: Can I get that with padding? You also assume the holding a bubble around your child stance. You know the one I'm talking about, arms rounded, legs bent, waddling behind your baby who is learning to stand/walk.
Relationship with Spouse: Teamwork, "You cover that one and I'll cover this one"
Finance: "It cost how much to baby proof the whole house?"
Big Question: Do they make helmets for babies learning to walk? (Yes they do exist, no I did not end up buying one, but thought very hard about it). And "Why won't they just sit still for one minute... just one?Why did I encourage this again?"
Looking forward to: Sitting, just for a minute!

Phase 5: Talking and Toddlerhood - Boundary Phase
Feelings: My child can say 5 words, does Harvard have an early enrollment program because clearly I have a genius on my hands.
Relationship with Spouse: "Did you teach him to say that, because that word would NEVER come out of my mouth!"
Finance: Wooo, milk is SO much cheaper than formula! CHA-CHING!
Big Question: "What's the earliest I can get the kids to bed without them waking up before the sun in the morning?" and "Is my child 1 1/2 going on 13? Did she really just tell me to COME ON?"
Looking Forward to: Potty training and no more diapers!


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Andrew Zoldan said...

Nice list of phrases. I like all of them. Thanks for sharing

candice said...

This is so true, very well put! Bravo.