My First Entry

Some of you may already know my story and some may only know parts of it. Ryan and I first found out the news in December that I was pregnant. We were shocked, scared, and excited all at the same time. We told our family and friends and they were all shocked as well and happy for us. As the time went by, I had the waves of nausea, food aversions, and all the other glories that come with the first trimester. I went to my first appointment and got to see our little bean on the big screen. Heartbeat was strong. Second appointment Ryan got to see our little baby too. He said the baby looked like a teddy graham and well that's what we ended up using as a nickname.

I hit my second trimester and was ecstatic. That is when they say that you are least likely to have a miscarriage. A relief in my eyes. Then I hit 15 weeks, primarily 15 weeks 2 days. I started to have a little spotting. Nothing major so I didn't think too much about it and just took it easy that day. Then came 15 weeks 3 days on March 9, 2009, probably the scariest and worst day of my life. I woke up to blood. Bright red blood. I panicked. I went into work and immediately called the doctor. They sent me to get an ultrasound. Ryan came and picked me up to take me. I was hoping and praying that our baby was ok.

When we got to the waiting room I started to feel a little cramping. Off and on, but not too strong...yet. We got called into the room and the tech went to check our baby. No heartbeat confirmed. There was my beautiful, lifeless baby on the screen, still in my belly, and there was nothing I could do but cry. Ryan held me in his arms and we both just cried and cried.

I then had to go back to my OB's office and get checked out to schedule the D&C. On the way to the office my "cramping" became stronger and more frequent to the point where I couldn't even scream anymore. I immediately ran to the bathroom after checking in and threw up. The nurse came to check on me and brought me to the room. I told her about my cramping and she said she was going to the waiting room to get Ryan and bring him in. It was at the moment I felt a "rush". I stood up and looked down. The entire table and floor was now covered in blood, my blood. Again, panic.

The rest is a rush of events, Doctor telling me I "Passed" the fetus, sending me to the hospital for another ultrasound. It hit pretty hard to see the second ultrasound, an empty ute. The place that once carried a life was now just an empty space. Confirmed that no D&C was needed and I was able to go home. The next few weeks were very painful and very hard. I had the greatest support from my husband, family and friends. They were my strength.

We later found out that our baby had what is called Trisomy 18, a chromosome disorder where there is an extra chromosome in the 18th strand. Only 5% of babies that have this disorder make it to birth and the ones that do typically do not make it past the first year. Our baby was sick and God knew. He was looking out for our baby. He took our baby to a place where s/he could be stronger than we could ever dream. And though I may never hold you in my arms, I forever hold you in my heart.

An angel wrote in the book of life, the story of our baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book, too beautiful for earth.